My Failings - The Boy’s Future
by Red October
Summary: As Qui-Gon speaks his last words, Obi-wan admits his failings, even though he will be acclaimed a hero in next day. The clarifty of the death with a wrenching twist....Not the normal death-scene-unthinking-greif we have seen so much of. Non-Slash, of cour


Title: My Failings - The Boy's Future 

Author: Lauren A.M. (Red October) 

Rating: PG 

Summary: As Qui-Gon dies and speaks his last words, Obi-wan admits his failings, even though he will be acclaimed a hero in next day. He asks for guidance, and takes hold of a future he has no choice but to accept. This not the normal grief/regret/slash mess you see. This is NON slash for one. For another these tragic players are not infallible. They are not held in unthinking awe in this piece...

Disclaimer: The characters go to Lucas. The plot and ideas outside the movies and books are mine; everything of mine is Christ's.

Feedback: Yes, Please! 

Dedication: To Kevin, most of all. You inspired this from your RPGS with Liz. We are so grateful to have you as a friend, Kev. Never doubt our love in Christ for you...This is also for Liz: what doesn't see do to help me and guide me every day? You both are amazing :)

Beta reader: Kay...er..Empress Kay. Thank you for all you put up with :)

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I am a Jedi.

But nevertheless I have known:

Fear

Greed

Pride

Anger

Impatience

Death

They say: There is no death; there is the Force.

But I knew that to be false before even _you_ threatened to die.

There is the Force, but even if death is the mere loss of the physical body, it is death, Master.

Any way you rationalize it, I loose you, Master.

I am a Jedi.

And never before have I known hate.

I have failed you, Teacher.

The Council was only to deft with their words: my fear lead to our suffering.

I knew fear when, locked away from me, you were engaged in reckless battle.

I knew the anger that such a demon would dare to threaten us, you, the Order. And yes, that it would threaten the Queen, as well.

Hate had never been a part of me, Master! You _know_ this, Teacher! Hate had been quick to come before, but I did never invite it. I was the student I thought you wanted.

But I failed miserably, Master.

My downfall was only completed when I realized my early fear in the battle had spent the energy I so desperately needed now. I would have run, Master, to be at your side, Teacher, if I had had the strength left.

My feet would have been more fleet that any mortals. So that I could have been your second in a conflict you had no right to shoulder alone.

No _right_, Master.

I needed you, I still need you, and now I can no longer draw from you.

No right, Master.

When you look toward me know, as you lie in my arms, I see no disappointment, just loss. My own failings have caused yours. My fear early on caused it...

And then my hate.

Believe me, Master, I did not invite it to me! But I did not think when it came.

Master, the red blade that pierced you formed my own hate.

As you fell I found the need for strength, for power, and I drew upon what you had showed me. The quiet waters of life you had so many times lead me to.

And I drew upon what my opponent drew from. I supped and shared his bowl of wrath, Master.

Forgive me.

Forgive me!

But, Master, now I wonder,

Did you help me?

In your last moments; in my first true battle, did I feel a piece of you guide me? Empower me? Give me a strength I did not have?

Oh, Master, I pray it were so.

And I damn the thought as it comes to me.

You had _no right_, Master!

If I could not defeat this opponent alone, how will I be able to conquer the other? I need to know my own strength, Teacher, because you ask me to train the boy.

There is another Sith, Master. And I will battle him, if not for blood, face-to-face, than from behind one facade or another. I need to know my strengths.

And my weaknesses.

Because you have left me unprepared, Master. I may be ready for the tests, but not for the responsibility.

Head strong, you called me.

It is my sin of pride.

I can control how it effects me...

But what of the boy, Master?

I know even you see this: the boy is _me_, Teacher.

And if I fail with that you have given me, I will see my own fate, should my own training have been so delayed. Like his.

I feared him before, Master. The Council did as well. But I was selfish, my fear concerned _you_. Did you see in him the talent, the innocence that you wished you saw in me?

Were you so disappointed in my own actions that the boy was a chance for you to correct them, in your own way?

I have failed you, but you had no right to leave me behind with a burden I am incapable of bearing.

But I nod. I sob. My body rocks with grief as I cradle your face. Do you still see me? You look elsewhere. Do you see the boy? You speak no encouragement to me as you drift away. I am forgotten in your last moments, you give me no words of comfort. The boy is all you see, now.

"Yes, Master," I reply, and the tears come.

Fear

Anger

Hate

Suffering

All in their turns, all in extremes.

Oh, Master, I know suffering now. My own hate has formed it, and had begun to tear at our pure bond even as you laid there, as your entire being was being torn away from the temporal. Even as I fought the Sith. The fear before kept me from powering to your side when it was most important. And as I stood and watched you fall, I fell to the hate that leads to my despair now.

I have caused your death no less than the red blade.

__

I have caused your death.

And your death will cause the fall of the boy.

I am not wise enough. Powerful enough. Learned enough. I cannot teach.

I am not you Master. And it is my own fault. The blame is my own.

I accept it, Master. Accept _that,_ Teacher, if you forgive me for nothing else. I will make it right, my teacher. I will see this boy to training. I will make even _his_ failings right. Light will cancel darkness, and I will strive to make it so.

"He_ will_ bring balance..."

Even as you struggle to say it, it is true in so many ways...

He will bring balance to my failings.

I will take him, Master.

Before I despised him for the threat he was. But you treated him like your own child, Teacher.

I will take him as my son.

As it is now, I could can do no less. He flies above, I feel it now. Is that to where you look? Your gaze is unsteady, unfocused. Do you see him now, do you regret what you have done? What you have set in motion?

I doubt it.

Even as you slip away I feel your acceptance, the resolution, the hope. And what you leave behind unfinished I grasp the open ends of. I hold the unfinished cords of your life.

I _will_ complete them, Master. As you accept what you have done by bringing the boy into such prominence, I accept what I have taken hold of.

And what I have been given: my inheritance:

The boy.

But what will come of it? How shall we fare? I have always known our actions are dictated by fate, to a point. Can I escape fate now, if it leads me blind where I do not wish to go? If it takes me down the path to ruin, can I fight it?

And, now I wonder anew;

Do you walk the line of present and future in those last seconds of life? Do you see what will become of us? Me. And the boy. Even with your physical strength gone, I am sure you see it. I believe you know how it will end. How _we_ will end.

Recant, Master, if the future is too grievous! If you regret what you have done, now that you see the consequences, I will change it. I will set it right! I will undo what you have done, if that is your last request of me. I accept the boy as a son, but I cannot ignore the power of the words from your mouth; your spirit. Say what you will have me do, it will be my only comfort in your passing...

Master, answer me!

Please, Master, by your last breath, guide me! My lost teacher, _what are your words?_

"Train him..."

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"...it will be a hard life, one without reward, without remorse, without regret, a path will be placed before you. The choice is yours alone, do what you think you cannot do. It will be a hard life, but you will find out who you are." -Qui-Gon Jinn.


End file.
